Falling inside the black
by youknowyouloveme91
Summary: Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurts myself the most.' Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV
1. prelude

**a/n: I wrote this a couple of weeks after ' oh brother where Bart thou? ' but I edited it after ' in the realm of the basses' so it can make sense but it's basically the same except for a couple of details. This story has a lot of my personal story and feelings and it was a little hard to write it , especially in Blair's point of view . I'm doing my best so hope you like it!**

**Prelude of _Falling inside the black_**

_Author:** youknowyouloveme91**_

_Summary:'**Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.'** Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV  
_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk ) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story_

Rating_: PG-13  
_

**(this is after 2.13 but all the episodes are going to be post 2.14.)

* * *

**

_(a/n: this is the night Chuck left her)  
_

_Tonight I'm so alone  
This sorrow takes ahold  
Don't leave me here so cold  
(Never want to be so cold)_

**I've never realized how beautiful NYC is in the night**

** I woke up at 3 am just to realize he was gone , i tried to keep my mind off of him , he was gone , _my _chuck bass was gone , i could feel my cold tears coming down from my eyes , rolling down my cheeks. I didn't care i needed him , to hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok , to kiss me and make me feel like i was flying.**

_**' I will stand by you though anything'**_

**those words were stuck in my head . It would mean everything to me if he did say something like that , but it meant nothing to him . all I got back , a piece of paper:**

_**I'm sorry for everything**_

_**you deserve better**_

_**don't come looking for me**_

_**-chuck**_

**I felt death , my hands were cold .**

**I Blair Waldorf was stupid enough to tell Chuck Bass I loved him and then he left ME.  
**

_Your touch used to be so kind  
Your touch used to give me life  
I've waited all this time, I've wasted so much time_

**-----------------------------------------------**

**Three weeks after the wedding and Chuck Bass mysterious despairing , Eleanor and Cyrus where having breakfast when I came downstairs. My mom was showing him some clothing stuff that he wasn't interested in at all. And that drove my dear mother crazy , but she loved him so much to tell him and Cyrus didn't now her enough to realize.**

**'Blair darling , don't you think you been eating too much? You should start watching your calories!' my mother said , of course she didn't love me enough to shut up.**

**'Eleanor she looks fine' my stepfather said , after all he wasn't that bad...**

**I wasn't able to stand all this the only two people that could help were Serena and my daddy, both too far away from me both have left me. And Chuck my one and only , the only one I would be able to love so deeply was missing in action.**

_Don't leave me alone  
Cause I barely see at all  
Don't leave me alone_

**I went to my room with an enormous piece of chocolate cake , that I got just to mock Eleanor. And I ate it while watching 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' that movie usually calms me down but this time I couldn't pay attention , all I could think about was things like ' You are going to throw all your work to get your perfect figure to hell as pathetic as this?' and as soon as I finished the cake , I felt so ashamed of myself. I felt like there was only one solution , I ran to my bathroom , let the water run , so no one can hear and I did what I promised to everyone , even myself , I wouldn't do again. I stick my finger down my throat and made myself think I was leaving my troubles behind along with the chocolate cake.**

_Falling in the black  
Slipping through the cracks  
Falling to the depths can I ever go back  
Dreaming of the way it used to be  
Can you hear me  
Falling in the black  
Slipping through the cracks  
Falling to the depths can I ever go back  
Falling inside the black  
Falling inside falling inside the black_

**Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.**

**-------------------------------------------**

**I started my day like everyday it was pretty much stuffing my face with the most delicious things I've ever tasted , and then leaving them behind along with my troubles (purging).**

_You were my source of strength  
I've traded everything  
That I love for this one thing  
(Stranded in the offering)_

**I never though i was gonna say this but i need Chuck.**

_Don't leave me here like this  
Can't hear me scream from the abyss  
And now i wish for you my desire_

**I was supposed to meet Jack Bass in a bar he had news , that guy was a Bass , he was disgusting and glanced me like if I was naked. Its was new years eve so I had to be home before 7 pm.**

**Its been a while since Lilly contacted Jack Bass and he was helping me to find chuck. He said not to look for him , but he never said his uncle couldn't!**

**' Bass make it quick , some of us have a family to be with in new years eve'**

**' I think I know where Chuck is" he said with the most perverted smirk I've ever seen ( beside chucks)**

"**where?" I felt my heart stopped i wanted to ,scream ,jump and kiss chuck... my heartbeat became faster and faster , and my mind kept screaming _'chuck , i Love you'_  
**

**----------------------**

**I suddenly felt sick , well not really but I pretended I did. I told jack to excuse me and I went to the bathroom and made myself throw up. This time I didn't mean for it to happen I just felt like I had to do it**

_**.**Falling in the black  
Slipping through the cracks  
Falling to the depths can I ever go back  
Dreaming of the way it used to be  
Can you hear me  
Falling in the black  
Slipping through the cracks  
Falling to the depths can I ever go back  
Falling inside the black  
Falling inside falling inside the black  
Black, black, black_

**When I got out I saw Jack staring at me like he knew what I was doing.**

**' are you following me?'**

_Falling in the black...  
Slipping through the cracks.._

.**--------------------------------------------**

**so after that day Jack would send me like 8 texts per day asking about my eating disorders , and I finally told him what was going on , so he can leave me the fuck alone and he did , I made him promise to keep that in secret .**

**----------------------------------------------**

_** from: Jack Bass**_

**_ I'm back got him headed to appartment_  
**

**let the games begin**

_Falling in the black  
Slipping through the cracks  
Falling to the depths can I ever go back  
Dreaming of the way it used to be  
Can you hear me  
Falling in the black  
Slipping through the cracks  
Falling to the depths can I ever go back  
Falling inside the black  
Can you hear me?  
Falling inside the black  
Can you hear me?  
Falling inside the black  
Can you hear me?  
Falling inside  
Falling inside, falling inside the black_

**

* * *

**

_**A/N: the 'mean reds' are from Blair's favorite movie Breakfast at Tiffany's **_

_**lyrics ' falling inside the black- skillet'  
**_

_**I'll try to make next one better and longer , I promise A LOT of drama coming and more C/B/J **_

_**and sweet CB moments.**_

_**If I get time I will post it tomorrow around this time =)**_

_**thanks for reading**_

_**xoxo Yas **_


	2. My own real life Fairytale

_Chapterone :**My own real life Fairytale**_

_Author:** youknowyouloveme91**_

_Summary__:Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.' Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk , a girl can dream right? I wish I owned chuck/ed) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story_

time line : post 2x14

Rating_: PG-13 _

* * *

_"to fear love is to fear life , and those who fear_

_life are already three parts dead"_

_-Betrand Russell _

After the roof top episode my bulimia kept going , I would use the 3rd floor bathroom after lunch at the steps of the met to make myself purge , it was always empty and I always found an excuse to leave. and my mom was the biggest bitch in the universe to me but everything else was just fine.

Serena , Chuck and I had lunch everyday at the steps of the met.

I called Chuck to check how he was doing at least 7 times a day.

He still wasn't the same Chuck I knew before , I couldn't see himself when I looked into his eyes , but he seemed a little bit happier since his fathers death.

My mother was worse than ever , her comments about my eating kept going on. about my bulimia .I really didn't want to do it , I had Chuck to take care of ! but I couldn't help it , once I was in there was no way out.

* * *

After our fifth school say ,I met him at Victrola he had something to say , only god knows what has gotten into his mind.

' this place has too much history huh?' Chuck speaking in that tone made my hear melt.

_I'm very sure, this never happened to me before_

'yeah' I said looking around and then looking back to him.

_I met you and now I'm sure_

' I'm sorry' he said looking at me in the eyes , it was the first time since he came back that he was looking at me like this. I could see how sorry he was just cause his expression.

'I'm sorry too' I said hugging him

_This never happened before_

'we've wasted so much time playing childish games'

'I don't think a child would play like us' I said smirking

' true , but it was still stupid 'he said facing me and getting his lips closer to mines , and I kissed him like it was the last time I'd ever see him.

_Now I see, this is the way it's supposed to be  
I met you and now I see  
This is the way it should be_

' are you sure?' he asked innocently

' of course I am '

we kept kissing and I don't even think I have to say what happened next

._This is the way it should be, for lovers_

* * *

Next monday I was walking to constance billard , I'd always walk cause I loved the upper east side in the morning and ,it hurts no one to walk a few blocks.

I noticed some perverted billionaire I love was following me with his limo , the sacred limo.

_They shouldn't go it alone_

_'_ stalker much , bass?' I said smirking

'oh you know I'd love to give you a ride' he said laughing

_it's not so good when you're on your own_

'I'm sure you would , but whats the price? '

_So come to me, now we can be what we want to be_

' I think you know' he said smirking.

Ok I have to admit that I liked more the limo than walking to school.

_I love you and now I see  
This is the way it should be  
This is the way it should be_

* * *

in lunch time I was hanging out with Serena at the met , and he came .

' ah here comes chuck'

he kissed me , we started making out and that disgusted Serena . And we both loved that.

' you guys are disgusting, cant you just get a room?"she said covering her eyes with her hands

' or limo' Chuck said smirking

' EW THANKS YOU FOR GIVING ME NIGHTMARES FOR THE**REST **OF MY LIFE!"

'chuck , give me a break!"i said laughing , ignoring Serena

'oh no , never it wasn't enough with this morning's limo se-' he said smirking even more , before getting cut off by Serena

' ENOUGH I will never get on that limo again its official'

'oh , but I will' I said to mock her.

'join me Waldorf?'

'why do you even ask bass ' I said looking at him , and then looking back to Serena I said ' Bye S'

'Bye B , should I say have fun? Oh Dan's calling'

' oh I know I will , tell cabbage patch I say hi'

'uh ok .. hi Dan Blair says hi , yeah I know shes with Chuck shes on a good mood'

she was right I was on a good mood

* * *

' so what do you think about dinner at Daniels tomorrow ?'

He knew me too well Daniel was my favorite restaurant ,it was between Madison and park eves. French cuisine , it was almost impossible to get a reservation at this time of the year.

_This is the way it should be, for lovers  
They shouldn't go it alone_

'how do you think you're going to get a reservation?'

' I'm Chuck Bass , I already have it , in their best table'

' i must say I'm impressed'

' and now you're my toughest critic , I'm good '

'Yes more than what you think you are.'

_It's not so good when your on your own_

* * *

Everything was like a fairytale , Chuck was being a perfect gentleman , my mom was in Italy with Cyrus , Serena and I were having a lot of fun criticizing everyone ( well we're not that bad) and I hadn't thrown up in 3 days.

_This is the way it should be, for lovers_

Chuck was taking me to my favorite restaurant tonight and I was getting ready , I was gonna wear a red and black Valentino dress a red hairband and my Mark Jacobs flats.

* * *

The dinner was amazing Chuck was more of a charming prince than Nate or Marcus have even been to me.

_They shouldn't go it alone  
It's not so good when your on your own_

Chuck was my real life fairytale , my day dreaming , I didn't want better I wanted him , he was more than what I actually deserved.

_I'm very sure, this never happened to me before , I met you and now I'm sure  
This never happened before (This never happened before)  
This never happened before (This never happened before)  
This never happened before (This never happened before)  
This never happened before_

* * *

But real life is never a fairytale

**_FROM: Jack Bass_**

**_' I have to talk to you come over'_**

I went to Jacks place as he asked me to.

he was waiting for me with a huge disgusting smirk in his face.

'you came to see me'

'what do you want Jack? It better be good , I have better things to do than you' I rolled my eyes

' do you want something to drink?' he offered

'no , I'm not planning of staying here for so long so go to your point why do you want me here?'

'many reasons' he said

'what do you want jack? I said rolling my eyes in disgust

'remember what happened on new years eve?My silence has a price'

'what? Is that' I asked , this couldn't be good

'Just one night , with you , your all mine for just one night.'

TBC_.._

**_A/N: ok this chapter sucks , I hope this wasn't really that boring but , i really love CB and I wish they'd be a little more like this._**

**_I have the next episode written I just have to edit some stuff. I think next one isn't that boring._**

**_Please review and be patient its my first fanfiction ever! I must suck ! _**

**_song : this never happened before -Paul McCartney_**


	3. the bitch in me Keeps getting better

__

Chapter

two :** the bitch in me Keeps getting better**

_Author:** youknowyouloveme91**_

_Disclaimer:__ I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk , a girl can dream right? I wish I owned chuck/ed) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story_

Rating_: PG-13 _

* * *

I took my phone and called Jack

'jack , I though about it and I do want to be yours for one night'

I could imagine him smirking like a bastard ' why don't you come to my place tonight?'

'sounds perfect' I said , I was so going to enjoy this

'see you'

_---three days earlier-------------------------------------------------_

I went to the library to return some books I borrowed to do homework . No I'm not crazy , but I actually found Charles Bass.

' well Bass this is the last place I would expect you in' I said laughing he was reading 'Economy in the USA'

' oh please I do read 'he said

' playboy doesn't count'

' aw man not fair , where's my kiss hello?'he said and I gave him a quick kiss

' thats all you've got? You're losing you touch!'

' please Bass I'm in a rush you know I'm better than that'

_Step back gonna come at ya fast  
I'm driving out of control  
And getting ready to crash  
Won't stop shaking up what I can  
I serve it up in a shot _

* * *

I wasn't sure if what I was about to do was going to be fine

_So suck it down like a man  
So baby yes I know what I am  
And no I don't give a damn  
And you'll be loving it _

I called speed dial #2

'S, I need your help' I said

' with ?' she said confused

'I'll tell you when all this is done , can you come over?'

' my mom had something to tell me , but what about when she's done?

'sounds fine'

_Some days I'm a super bitch  
Up to my old tricks  
But it won't last forever_

* * *

'Hi Blair , it's me S , I really need to talk to someone right now' she sounded so sad in the voice mail , I wondered what was wrong , and decided to call her.

' hi , honey , what it's wrong?'

'my life is a disaster!!!!!!' she said crying

' look S listen to me come over to my place , I'll call Chuck and Nate and they'll help us?ok?' I was so worried

' thank you'

' come now , don't drink anything!!'

i called Chuck........

'HEEYY , just the hot piece of ass I wanted to talk to , what are you wearing?'

'no chuck its not that kind of conversations I need your help please come to my place as soon as you can'

' ok I will , you owe me one of those conversations'

' ugh, fine' I sighed

i called Nate.....

' Hi Nate , it's Blair '

'Hi , what's up?'

' I need your help , please come to my place as soon as you can'

'okay'

* * *

when Serena arrived she was so sad , I was sure cabbage patch broke her heart again.

Nate of course came before than Chuck but Chuck brought bagels and 'Funny face'

'Chuck sweetheart this is so sweet but its not me the one with the meltdown'

_Next day I'm your super girl  
Out to save the world  
And it keeps gettin' better _

' Serena tell us what happened' I said

' yes we're the non judging breakfast club' Chuck said

'is it Georgina again?'Nate asked

' no guys this time is so much worse , it has nothing to do with me , remember that my mom and Rufus dated?' she said we'll nodded Chuck seemed hurt and she continued ' well my mom told me , the real reason she stayed in the institute '

'I know why too' Chuck said

'you do?' we all said

'after my dad died , I met the private investigator he had for your mother , and then in my fathers funeral I found a folder with everything you'd need to know about Lilly'

'which is?' I said

' Lilly and Rufus have a son , she got pregnant when they broke up and gave the child in adoption!' chuck said

'idiot! you knew and didn't tell me?' Serena said

'I promised your mother' he said

'and then left' Serena said

'can we not go on there' I said

'Blair is right guys , but Serena what happened with Dan' Nate said.

'we cant go though this , we share a sibling! Our parents are in love I can't do that to my mother'

* * *

_Kiss kiss gonna tell you right now  
I'll make it sweet on the lips i'll simply knock you ou__t _

'can't I stay too?'

'nope Serena is staying today , if you behave yourself I could consider tomorrow '

he kissed me and we started making out

' guys i'm still here' Serena said

that night Serena stayed in my place I tried cheering her up and she was better. Next morning I woke her up , she had to help me with what I wanted.

My phone started ringing I smirked when saw the caller ID

' hi'

'what are you wearing?' he said

_Shut up I don't care what you say  
Cuz when we both in the ring you're gonna like it my way_

'not right now chuck'i said as i rolled my eyes

'uh why?' he said

'I'm busy call you later'

'you owe me two now'

'whatever you say' i said

* * *

'Ok , whats your plan' Serena said

', I need your password from your modeling days' I said smiling sweetly , this made my day.

'it worked , what do you have in mind?'

'destruction' i said , seeking for a model .

'let me guess is it a bass? I though everything was fine '

'yes it is a bass and yes Chuck and I are fine, '

* * *

everything was going according my plan.

I had to admit Serena helped too.

The next day when I finally had everything as I wanted I took my phone and called Jack

'jack , I though about it and I do want to be yours for one night'

I could imagine him smirking like a bastard ' why don't you come to my place tonight?'

'sounds perfect' I said , I was so going to enjoy this

'see you'

_Yeah baby there's a villain in me so sexy sour and sweet  
And you'll be loving it _

'hello jack' I said with a sexy fake smirk

'hi Blair are you ready?'i hated him  
'Never been more ready , but why don't we have some drinks to keep it exiting?' but I loved me

'Sure , what would you like?' he said

'oh uh me just a dirty martini two olives'

'you like dirty huh?' he said

'More than what you can imagine' I said

* * *

'here you are' he said handing me the martini

'what are you having?' i asked

' A bloody Mary'

' excuse me a second I forgot I had to tell my mother something.' I said

I sent a text to S

'S call him now B'

' sorry im back now , you know my mom has just came back from Italy-' his phone started buzzing

'sorry someone is calling me , make yourself comfortable' he said

_Some days I'm a super bitch  
Up to my old tricks  
But it won't last forever  
Next day I'm your super girl  
Out to save the world  
And it keeps gettin' better _

while they were talking I took some liberty of hiding 2 cameras in his room and putting the special drug in his drink. I was so glad Serena was helping in all this she had the best sources for everything

'who was it?'i asked

'No one' he answered

Serena was supposed to be a French whore that slept with him in Bangkok and who's period was late . It was funny how good actress S could be. He didn't buy it but it gave me enough time.

* * *

he drank his bloody Mary and I was playing the fool until it made effect , I kept giving him alcohol and when he was drunk enough I realized his sigh started to blur I told him to excuse me that I was going to the restroom

he kept waiting , and the model (male model) I payed and promised to get him job with my mom , played to be me in sexy clothes ( with a brunette wig) Jack was so drugged and drunk that he believed it was me and this boy was so desperate that he would do anything. he was gay anyway he enjoyed it.

_in the blink of an eye  
In the speed of the light  
I'll hold the universe up  
And make your planets collide_

* * *

Next morning when I went back to his apartment and payed john (the model) Jack was still sleeping I got the sex tapes , and got a big glass of water a threw it on him

'what the?'

'Hi darling , do you remeber last night?' I said with a huge smirk in my face.

'Blair last night was amazing' he said

'was it? I'm sorry I had to go home but I left you with my friend john , he loved how drugged and drunk you were , and I got the sex tapes'

I thew one of the pen drives of the camera to him

'here keep it ,i have more and I have enough to destroy you , I know your intentions , you want all Chuck's money huh? Well think twice , I can publish this and no one would want you to be his guardian. My silence has a price , you're under the control of Blair Waldorf now.'

'I will say nothing about your bulimia but don't do it'.

'Thats all I wanted to hear , poor jack so vulnerable in front of so much danger , I'm the crazy bitch here you should know who to mess with.'

* * *

I was so happy and proud of my self I felt like I've gotten a touch of Chuck in my destruction

_When I strap on my boots  
And I slip on my suit  
You see the vixen in me  
Becomes an angel for you _

I wanted to see him so badly I called to his phone but no one picked up

I went to his favorite bar he wasn't there I asked Serena if he was with her he wasn't

I went to Victrola and he want there

one place left his room at the palace

It was freezing outside , I was wearing my favorite Valentino coat ( kind of Breakfast at Tiffany's like in the last scene), with my black channel heels , white stockings and a Mark Jacobs dress , with of course a red bow-hairband.

* * *

When I got into chuck rooms ( I have the key) he broke my heart once again , he was making out with two blonds and a brunette

'chuck ' I said

'Blair what are you doing here?'

'What are you doing bastard!I cant believe I was so stupid to fall for you!' he stood up and grabbed my hand I was too upset 'Let me go , enjoy yourself and your hookers , I'm not yours anymore.' i said i ran out and took a cab , i was crying so baddly

* * *

OK I do stupid things when I'm sad and thats why chuck and I are so alike

I went back to jacks place

'what are you doing here now?' he said

and I kissed him

'Blair?'

'Shut the fuck up' I said

and that how I ended up screwing my ex boyfriend's uncle after 10 minutes of breaking up with him , great!

TBC...

**A/N: wooooohoooo I updated super fast!!! I have to say I was inspired.**

**don't hate me because of the end I hate jack , but I had to do this so I could do another thing , tomorrows chapter will be really focused on Blair's bulimia , a lot of drama and I cant say anything else , lol , I will update tomorrow please review =) and thanks to the people who actually reviewed , you guys rock!**

**Oh and jack will suffer a little * evil smile * sorry but don't we all hate him?**

**I really enjoyed writing Blair's revenge to Jack.**

**Song : keeps getting better**


	4. Loosing my mind

_Chapter 3 : Loosing my mind _

_Author:** youknowyouloveme91**_

_Summary__:Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.' Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV_

_Disclaimer:I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk ) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story_

Rating_: PG-13 _

* * *

" _The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, _

_but that we wait so long to begin it."_

_-W. M. Lewis._

_  
_I went to my place , locked myself in my room and kept crying in front of the mirror ignoring everything

my cellphone kept buzzing , Dorota kept calling

I was furious , sad , hurt and felt like an idiot.

I hated Jack , so badly , and I had sex with him , it was a living hell.

I was scared of showing my feelings how ashamed and heartbroken I was.

_The faces all around me they don't smile they just crack_

I felt like I had no choice to make and I ended up on my knees sticking my finger down my throat , I felt a terrible throat sore , and an abdominal pain , I felt so dizzy.

For hours I just was laying in my bed thinking how stupid I was for everything , letting Chuck cheat on me , believing that he had changed , sleeping with the biggest basstard in the world history after breaking up with the basstard I loved , being bulimic , and even paying attention to my mother comments. I needed to fix everything , but no one could know how much of I failure I felt I was.

_We do our time like pennies in a jar  
What are we saving for ?_

The next day I decided I needed to stop my bulimia , and the only way I could that I barely eating.

I would starve myself until the night when I would feel more tired than ever and I basically fainted in my bed. _  
_

_We sit and throw our roots into the floor  
What are we waiting for?_

Serena and Dorota were both starting to realize something was going on , Serena knew about Chuck but not about Jack. Or the eating.

When I got the courage enough to told her , we got into a fight , she started to be so hard on me without realizing she was hurting me. That I went back to my place a started eating like it was my last day alive , somehow I already felt death , and there was nothing to keep living for. But I couldn't give up , and this time I couldn't even understand myself , I felt empty , superficial and breathless , I felt really inside of me that I had to do it , but I knew I couldn't let myself fall for it again , I didn't see myself when I looked in the mirror , I wasn't myself anymore , I didn't know who I was.

_  
So give me something to believe  
Cause I am living just to breathe_

This time I couldn't help it , I was so sad , I didn't know what I wanted . I needed to be perfect , perfect and nothing else . Everything was out of control.

I ran to my bathroom , closed the door , and stared at myself in the mirror a little , I was so not perfect. 2 seconds later I found myself where I tried not to be , on my knees , getting into the beginning of the end.

_  
And I need something more  
To keep on breathing for  
So give me something to believe  
_

I was scared of not being perfect.

I wanted to be the perfect daughter , the perfect best friend , the most popular the most beautiful , the most loved , the most skinny , I wanted to be Chucks perfect girlfriend . I wanted my life to be a fairytale.

But that day I learned no to believe in those anymore.

_  
Something's always coming you can hear it in the ground  
It swells into the air_

I finally got out of my room , I was as scared as a child afraid of night.

' Miss Blair , your mama is worried about you she's downstairs' Dorota said

'yeah sure she is' I said and went downstairs.

'Blair darling , where have you been all day?'my mother said with her 'Eleanor tone'

' my room' I said.

' Serena came to see you and so did Charles , they are both very worried about you-'

'Chuck came?' I said

'yes he wanted to talk to you , is something wrong?

OF COURSE IT IS!!! ' no , nothing is wrong I was just tired and need to have sometime for myself' I lied , I've always been a good liar , like mother like daughter huh?.

'we're are you going?' she asked

'Serena's I'll be back in a while' I lied again

I took my coat and when outside , took a cab and went to the palace .

_  
With the rising  
Rising sound_

I called him first I didn't want to find him with another pair of hookers.

'why did you come to my place?' I asked

'I needed to talk to you' he said

' good cause I'm going to your place' I said

I knocked on the door and he opened and said

'come in'

'what did you want to talk about?'

'is it true?'

' is what true?' I was begging it wasn't that he found about my bulimia

' you slept with my uncle' he said , it was a huge relief but also a huge pressure.

'yes I did , but it's non of your business since 10 minutes before I made clear that we broke up'

' do you love him?' EWWW , but chuck Bass was jealous , I could see it in his eyes.

' what? NO , he is a basstard ,a so you are'

' I'm sorry'

'what? You think you are going to fix this all saying your sorry , chuck I don't even know who you are anymore'

_  
And never comes but shake the boards and rattles all the doors  
What are we waiting for?_

_'_I was sad and you were busy with I have no idea what' he said

' still , gives you now right to cheat on me! You broke my heart too much I can't forgive you that easily'

'goodnight Chuck'

' goodnight Blair'

_  
So give me something to believe  
Cause I am living just to breath_

When I got home Serena was there. talking with my mom. She would be my moms ideal daughter , instead she got me.

'oh I was just in your place and you weren't there , this explains a lot' I lied

' I need to talk to you'

I went to my room she followed me.

'I'm sorry' she said

' so am I , I was stupid about sleeping with jack' I said

we hugged and everything was fine , I really needed to tell her about my biggest problem right now

but I was scared , of seeming not perfect.

_  
And I need something more  
To keep on breathing for  
So give me something to believe  
_

So that week all I did was , homework to get at least one perfect thing in my life ,being a perfect student . I was easy for me to do it , what was hard was the rest of the things .Thanks god Jack stopped annoying me for good , just a couple of text but after I told him to leave me alone or either I would tell the whole world about his drunken-drugged night. Serena and I were still friends . I kept ignoring Chuck and my mom was.. changed? I think it was Cyrus I have to thank he is here cause he can control her better than my dad or anyone in the world.

But the bulimia kept following me back. I tried not to do it , I tried controlling myself but I couldn't help it , the abdominal pain was every time worse , also the sore throat and after making myself sick I saw all blurry _  
_

_I am hiding from some beast  
But the beast was always here  
Watching without eyes  
Because the beast is just my fear_

A big part of me missed Chuck , but the other part hated him , and hate change a person. But as much as I hated him I loved him , loved the way he smirks how perverted he is , how he loves saying his name as an excuse for everything , how he hates when someone mocks his scarf , how sweet he can be.

But the biggest thing that went though my mind those days was , ' who am I now?'

I couldn't find an answer for it. I wanted to be perfect like Audrey Hepburn but I couldn't find a way to do it , I was Blair Waldorf but what did that mean to the entire world?

_  
That I am just nothing  
Now its just what I've become  
What am I waiting for?  
Its already done_

The next day I saw Chuck and instantly tried to leave. He grabbed my arm

'let me go' I said 'no I want you to listen to me , I broke you heart and I know It and I'm sorry about it , but without you my life is meaningless , I've been heartbroken all this time too you slept with my uncle for revenge , for the first time I know how Nate felt, but I don't feel the same way Nate did for you , you mean more to me'

_So give me something to believe  
__Cause I am living just to breath_

'remember my father's and Lilly's wedding?' he said

'yeah?'i said

'in the face of true love..' he said

'you don't just give up even the object of your affection is begging you too , how could I forget?' I said

'about what you said in my father's funeral , I love you too ' he said , I swear I wanted to kiss him but my pride wouldn't let me ,' I know I'm not good showing it , that I'm proud , and stubborn , that I always want to win our games and that I do things to hurt you , but what I wrote before leaving was true , you deserve better than me , I'm horrible-'

no you're not , I know you enough to know the things you do when your hurt , and I'm strong enough to stand them , its worth a try , cause you can be the sweetest person alive when you want to. But I couldn't handle being without you I need you more than what you think I do , and all I ask for you to do the same for me , just that no holding hands or going to the movies. I really wanted to say that but he need to suffer a little,

'true keep going ' I said

' what can I do to get you to forgive me?' he said and held my hand

'chuck bass begging for forgiveness? I think thats alright , but if you do something like that again I will make you wish you were never born.'i said I'm so proud of myself and how I handle Chuck Bass

'lets do it right this time. No broken promises no games no blackmailing .lets take it slow '

'yes but... chuck if you are scared again , just tell me OK? ,you can talk to me whenever you want even 3 am !_  
_

And I need something more  
To keep on breathing for  
So give me something to believe

I was getting my perfect picture again , i was the perfect girlfriend , perfect girlfriend , perfect daughter and perfect student.

But when I looked at myself in the mirror I though I realized the other thing that I need to be the perfect girl , my figure , I wasn't thinking anymore , Chuck has gotten my life back but It wouldn't fix all. i had already lost my mind. I made myself sick again and this time there was blood and much more dizziness.

**

* * *

**

A/N: I hope you liked this one , please review and thanks to everyone who reviewed.

**This chapter was a little hard to write , it has a lot of my personal experience.**

**One of my friends suggested to write an other fanfiction , based on this but in Chuck's P.O.V. I have enough time to write it , but would you read it?**

**I mean not many people reviewed . I'll continue it anyway cause I enjoy writing it. **


	5. what is perfecion anyway?

Author: **youknowyouloveme91**

Summary:Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.' Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV

Disclaimer:I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk ) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story

Rating: PG-13

* * *

_Previously:_

_I was getting my perfect picture again , i was the perfect girlfriend , perfect girlfriend , perfect daughter and perfect student._

_But when I looked at myself in the mirror I though I realized the other thing that I need to be the perfect girl , my figure , I wasn't thinking anymore , Chuck has gotten my life back but It wouldn't fix all. i had already lost my mind. I made myself sick again and this time there was blood and much more dizziness._

* * *

There was blood …

It was the first time that there was actually blood , I pretended nothing happened and I kept going on with it and every time everything got worse and worse. Until I started getting headaches . it wasn't perfect. I wanted to be perfect .

Finally it was the time , the thing that I've been waiting for 8 years was in my hands. The Yale letter , my future , I wanted to open it with two people , Chuck and Serena.

After school we went to Chuck's room at the palace , I felt like I couldn't breathe , I was minutes away from knowing what was going to happen with my life.

'Ok open it'

Chuck held me tight and kissed my forehead.

'Dear Blair Waldorf : congratulations on your admission to Yale college class of 2013' I gasped and felt like I was going to faint ' am I dreaming?' I said

'no ' chuck said ' congratulations' with a warm smile that meant the world for me after all we've been though

' oh my gosh!!! B this is so amazing I told you , you were going to !' S said all exited.

That night we celebrated with Eleanor and Cyrus and my dad was coming in 2 weeks when my mom and Cyrus are back from Paris. I convinced my mom to let me stay with Chuck until daddy came home. The next morning I woke up with Chuck stroking my hair.

'hi' I yawned

'breakfast in bed?'he asked

'sure' I said , I was trying to control myself at least while I was with him

'you know you look lovely when you sleep?' he said

' Your being too sweet , what did you do now?' I said joking

'nothing but I wanted to ask you about something' he said

'what?' I said out of my breath

'well , I don't want jack to be my guardian , and when I was younger I remember I used to talk to my mother's father a lot, he was my favorite person , like you with your dad , but my father and my grandfather got into an argue and he didn't let me see him anymore'

'do you remember his name?'

'Charles William Lewis , he used to live in London I visited him in the winter'

'good' I said

'do you think this is a good idea? I mean I would have done it myself but you know , I just wanted your opinion not you doing it.'

'I think its great' I said smiling

I got my laptop and googled 'Charles William lewis'

'do you remember his profession?'

'he was a doctor' he said

Chuck had gotten his father's private investigator to find him , and 3 days later he contacted us.

His grandfather was alive he came from a family with a lot of money (which I was not surprised ), he had a retired for 4 years by then , he was a recognized Cardiothoracic Surgeon that used to work in the royal London hospital , and there was even an hospital founded in his name in Scotland. He was a graduated from Oxford , and he had married Misty's mother Lauren at age of 20 , Lauren was daughter of a rich businessman and a duchess , sadly she had died at the age of 37 , when Misty was 13.

he was what chuck needed.

'can I tell you something?' he said

'sure' I said and smiled

'I haven't told anyone but Brooklyn , about it , and you mean much more than Brooklyn to me of course'

'either I would be scared' I said joking

' all this years I've been living with the guilt , my mother died giving birth to me , I killed her , and when my mother died so did the happiness of Bart she took his life , thats the one and only reason my father has always hated me.' he said

'oh my god , Chuck your dad didn't hate you , maybe it was hard for him to show his feelings , but I'm sure he loved you' i said

' my mother meant the world to Bart , like you do for me , and I left because I didn't want to lose you to'

those worlds touched me , I was killing myself and he had left me cause he didn't want that for me.

'I'm not going anywhere , I love you , don't you see that I'm always here' I said

'I don't mean exactly that ,Blair , I kill everyone I love is who I am i'm- '

'Sh Chuck ' I said putting my finger in his lips ' no don't say that , if I die but being with you it'd be all worth it , without you I'm dead'

'but , lets say you die in a childbirth , am I going to be like Bart?'

'no , no chuck , and I'm not going to die and I know you wont be like Bart , besides the medicine and technology of these days make death in childbirth impossible , let's not talk about it , ok? '

'I love you' he said and kissed me

I felt so guilty , all this time , hurting myself . He needed me , as much as I needed him.

When we went to dinner I made myself throw up , I really didn't want to but I couldn't help it anymore , I felt like shit.

Chuck realized how I was feeling , but he didn't know the reason , he took care of me like I was a baby. The next morning when he was sleeping , I made myself sick , and he heard.

'Blair ! , are you ok?' he yelled knocking the door of the bathroom

I was terrified I didn't know what to say I didn't want him to find out . I wanted to be perfect. And with people knowing the truth they'd doubt my perfection.

' yes I'm just feeling sick , I think I must have a flu , you know?' I said

' did you get your period?' to be honest it's been seven days and it hasn't stopped.

'yes chuck and I'm not pregnant if thats what you think' I said and I hugged him , he held me tight and I started crying.

' what's wrong?' he asked.

'I'm scared' I said .

' of what?'he asked I didn't know what to answer.

' of us when I go to Yale' It was true I was also worried about that.

He stayed in silence for like 4 minutes and he said.

'we can movie in together until you finish college . We can find a place and I'll buy it.'

'are you sure?' I said

' more than ever' he said

Chuck had gorwn up before than me , he learnt to live and love without hurting himself or other people . but i couldn't do it and it was a shame.

Chuck got a way to contact Charles , and they talked for hours , he was coming to NYC so they can fix everything as soon as possible.

' so what did he say?'

'he needs to tell me something about my mother'

**A/N: hope you like it!**

**Please review!!!**


	6. oh dream maker

Author: **youknowyouloveme91**

Summary:Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.' Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV

Disclaimer:I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk ) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story

Rating: PG-13

_

* * *

****__"When you are in Love you can't fall asleep _

**_because reality is better than your dreams."_**_  
-__Dr Seuss_

Chuck and I were watching funny face .i believe he actually likes the movie.

'Waldorf , may I remind you that you owe me a dance' he said

'what?' I said

' your first masquerade' he said

'we were nine! I hated you' I said

'oh but I loved bugging you' he said

_I have got you under my skin  
I've got you deep in the heart of me_

'I can tell' I said

'dance with me' we were in the part where Audrey dances with Fred romantically , one of my favorite scenes.

He took my hand pulled me close and started dancing.

' I didn't know you liked to dance this much' I said

'oh I really like dancing , but not with everyone' he said

'you like dancing with me?' I said

'of course'

_So deep in my heart  
You're nearly a part of me  
I've got you under my skin_

* * *

'moon river , wider than a mile I'm crossing you in style someday ….oh dream maker , you heart breaker , wherever you are going , I'm going your way , two drifters off to see the world theres such a lot of world to see , we are after the sameeeee rainbows end , waiting 'round the bend , my huckleberry friend mooooooooonn riverrrrrr and meeeee' Chuck Bass was actually singing while I was doing homework , obviously trying to seduce me with my favorite song from my favorite movie.

'are you high Chuck?' I said laughing

'I sing when I'm drunk and bored' he said

'but really Chuck , moon river?' I said

'do you prefer "YMCA" or "I'm too sexy"?' he said

' thats why you wear so much purple?' I said joking and gasping he laughed

I have to admit that being with him was so much fun (in many ways).

_I have tried so not to give in  
I have said to myself this affair  
Never gonna go so well_

* * *

'have you ever composed something?' I said ,he was playing his piano for me

'I tried , but always lost inspiration' he said

' I love the way you play' I said

'I think I could compose something for you' he said

'take your time ' I said placing my head in his shoulder .He was playing a melody that he loved to play . The music was so beautiful that I could feel a tear rolling down my cheek.

_.But why should I try to resist  
When baby I know so well  
That I've got you under my skin_

* * *

'Bass we have to meet my parents for dinner!! , we already had enough' I said

'its never enough for me' he said refusing to get off of me

'come on we are going to be late!!' I said trying to get dressed but he didn't let me

'aww your dad is ruining my fun' he said

' too bad' I said I couldn't help but giggle

_I would sacrifice anything  
Come what might  
For the sake of holding you near_

'can you please get ready! , ugh and fast! We are late!' I said rolling my eyes

'I love you when you are bossy 'he said smirking and kissing my neck

_In spite of a warning voice  
That comes in the night  
It repeats and it shouts in my ear_

'I'm not bossy' I said and he arched his brows 'well a little , now chuck please g-e-t r-e-a-d-y-!!!'

I loved him when he was like a little kid.

_'cause I've got you under my skin_

* * *

Spring was already here my dad was already in France . Yale was even closer but it felt like an eternity to me . Chuck ha grown up and to my surprise he learned to love me in the right way.

I was about to meet chuck and his grandfather Charles ( confusing huh?) in the MET , it was my first time seeing Charles .

Walking to the elevator i found Eleanor and she looked at me.

'I'm gonna meet chuck at the met' i said trying to escape.

'with that dress? I though red was your color but i was wrong , do me a favor work on that posture.' i swear i want to kill that woman when shes like that.

Running into the MET I found Chuck.

'sorry I'm late' I said out of my breath.

' let me guess , Eleanor?' he said

' duh what else?' I said rolling my eyes and he chuckled.

_Don't you know you fool  
You never can win  
Use your mentality  
Wake up to reality _

'Blair this Charles my grandfather ,' he said

' a pleasure to meet you' I said smiling

' and this is Blair' he told his grandfather

he shock my hand

' you are the only person chuck talks about' he said smiling at me with a warm smile and British accent. he realized the scars in my hand looked confused I automatically hide my hand.

'Chuck talks a lot about you too' I said and smiled at chuck , who blushed . It was fun.

'I remember you now , when you two where little you used to have play dates . You hated each other and then 5 minutes later you played like you were best friends since ever'

'are you sure it was her?' chuck said

'the little brown eyed girl with the porcelain doll face and the chocolate curls , I do think it was her' he said

'don't forget how much she rolled eyes' chuck said smirking and I rolled my eyes

'somethings never change' chuck said

'so Blair do you like the met?'

'I love it , my dad and I always came when I was little , and we still do when he is here , you'll see he lives in France , and I also have lunch at those steps 'i said pointing the steps.

'or sometimes you don't join me on the limo' he whispered in my ear. Kissing my neck.

_  
But each time that I do  
Just the thought of you  
Makes me stop before I begin  
_

'you are heinous , behave yourself' I said rolling my eyes and whispering back with a tiny smile.

After that we spend like two hours around Manhattan , and I went back home , I though they needed time to talk.

Then he showed up in my house

'so what happened to Eleanor?' he said

'huh?' I said

'today'

'oh just her , you know , saying about how bad the red dress looked on me and that I needed to work on my posture'

'don't listen to her , she is crazy' he said

'sometimes I hate her'

'something we have in common huh?' he said and I smiled and then became serious

'its just I have always tried to be good enough for her , to be perfect.' I said

'you are better than what she deserves , the same thing happened between me and my father , I realized that trying to be perfect I screwed all up' he said holding my hand

_'cause I've got you under my skin  
And I love you (when you're) under my skin_

'you are so right' i said

'so what did your grandfather want to tell you about your mother?'i said changing subject

'She didn't die the day i was born 'he said

* * *

_**A/N**_**: hope you like it! I will update tomorrow if I get time and I will post a new story too. Check it out:P I think its wayyy better than this one , its also a lot different.**

**I really enjoyed writing this chapter because some of the moments have actually happened to me, of course I had to edit to make it CB.**

**Oh and next chapter there will be some drama.**

**I may not have time cause I have a lot to do , I need to make my routine for ballet and stuff ,i have an audition in 2 weeks so its kinda important.**

**Sorry for any mistake I wrote this kind of fast.**

**The song is 'I've got you under my skin ' the Bono and Frank Sinatra version , I was actually listening to it when I was writing this .**


	7. broken hearts

Author: **youknowyouloveme91**

Summary:Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.' Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV

Disclaimer:I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk ) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story

Rating: PG-13

* * *

_Hearts will never be practical _

_until they are made unbreakable. _

_-wizard of oz_

'what?' I said

' thats the reason my father and grandfather never spoke again' he said

'is she alive?'i said

'no , she died when I was 14' he said sad.

'but , how?'

'my father faked her death' he said

'how is that even possible?'i said

'with money you can do anything' he said

' I don't get this' I said

'well when I was born my father and mother were about to divorce and that wouldn't give Bart a good impression , he was selling his best buiness in the moment' he said

'so he just faked her death like that?' I said

'yes unbelievable right? All this years I blamed myself for the unhappiness of my father , but he actually caused it himself' he said

_You live so much its like  
you're dying  
You can't get up your body's  
trying_

'so , what did he do to convince your mother to leave you?' I said

'he didn't convince her , he had her in an metal institution under another name , when my grandfather found her , he took her out , she was already out of her mind and the worst happened' he said

'she died?' I said

'no , she killed herself' he said. I hugged him.

'it's okay , everything is going to be okay sweetie' I said

'all this years I told myself not to love someone , just because I though that I would kill everyone I loved' he said holding me close , hugging me.

'Chuck , please , you know you wont kill anyone you love , people die because its meant to be , I love you' I said

'thank you for being here for me' he said

'its okay , I want to be here with you'

_You build so tall its like  
you're flying  
But rocks that fall the sky  
keeps climbing_

that night he stayed in my place , we talked all night long until we fell asleep , we also watched one of his favorites movies. which was kinda weird since we always watch my movies.

The next morning I woke up with chuck by my side.

'hi' I said he was in his laptop reading something.

'hey' he said

'what are you doing?' I asked

'uh nothing ' he said but I got to see it even I pretended I didn't , _how to realize if someone is bulimic.__** He knew..**_I said to myself in my head.

_You're gonna lose everything  
How does it feel?  
_

'oh gosh , I have to get ready for school!!'i said

'so , dinner with me tonight?' He said

'sure , where?'

'surprise , I'll pick you , I have to talk to Jack first , long story' he said

* * *

_I'm not scared so much  
of trying  
But don't look up you might  
start flying_

That night I waited , in my best black dress , with the necklace he gave me for my 17th birthday ,he didn't show up , instead when I was already sleeping he came.

'Blair' he said mad

'you idiot!!! you didn't pick me up' I said totally upset

'are you bulimic?' he said

_You're gonna lose everything  
How does it feel?  
_

'why didn't you come? , did you cheat on me?' I said

'NO I talked to Jack who told me what happened in new years eve. , Blair answer me are you bulimic?' he said

_I wanna know  
How does it feel?_

'LEAVE ME NOW , GET OUT!' I said

_You live so much its like  
you're dying  
_

'I'M NOT LEAVIING , UNTIL YOU TELL ME' he said

_You can't get up your body's  
trying  
_

'OH SO NOW YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST NOT SHOW UP , AND COME UP AND JUDGE ME LIKE YOU DID NOTHING WRONG? Fine Bass , don't leave , stay as much as you want , I'll leave' I said shutting the door angrily.

_You build so tall its like  
you're flying  
But rocks that fall the sky  
keeps climbing_

* * *

'S , it's B , can I go to your place?' I said

'sure B it's late , you sound upset what happened?' she said yawning

'I'll tell you when I'm there' I said , I was gonna tell her I needed to tell someone , i couldn't do it by myself anymore , i felt like a monster ,i felt alone and superficial

* * *

'B , whats wrong?' she said

'everything! My life is a disaster '

'what happened?'

'I am a horrible person , I'm bulimic ...again and I didn't tell you i didnt mean to do it , but everything was so hard , you don't imagine how much I wanted to tell you but you just were so busy or then I was scared I wanted to be perfect , and now Chuck knows , everything was so perfect between us and now I screwed' i said crying

'why did you keep doing it Blair?' she said

'I don't know I didn't want to its just , I couldn't help it , I'm so ashamed' I said

'its going to be okay ,Chuck and you just need to talk ,and you will fix everything' she said and i hugged her

'thanks'

Serena and I finally talked and she took me home , I agreed on visiting a doctor on Monday so I can get help , I wanted get my life back.

* * *

New York city in the night , in Chucks limo , the best view you can get of the fifth ave,

'Are you mad?' I asked

'no I love you , I couldn't be mad at you 'he said and kissed me , and hugged me , and we started kissing , while everything was getting good...

I woke up , just to realize it was a dream , my life was still a disaster , I felt so angry with myself and the world , for doing this to me , I felt like throwing every pillow in my bed angrily , I felt like screaming , I felt like dying...

only to find myself on my knees again , killing myself softly and painfully.

_Go to sleep now and dream of him close  
While the sky turns from blacker to red  
When you wake in the morning he will be gone  
And leave you dreaming him close_

**a/n: this is kinda sort , at least I updated right?**

**I will soooo update tomorrow cause this is getting good , at least to write!**

**Please review!**

**The songs are 'how does it feel?' and 'carousel' both form eskimo joe.**

**Do you like it? Let me know , criticism helps too!**

**Thanks for reading! **


	8. lifeless loveless lonely and lost

Author: **youknowyouloveme91**

Summary:Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.' Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV

Disclaimer:I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk ) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story

Rating: PG-13

* * *

previously:

_I woke up , just to realize it was a dream , my life was still a disaster , I felt so angry with myself and the world , for doing this to me , I felt like throwing every pillow in my bed angrily , I felt like screaming , I felt like dying..._

_only to find myself on my knees again , killing myself softly and painfully._

* * *

_**I couldn't breathe , I lost control of my body , my body felt soft ..like soaring . I heard people around but the noise became even more far every second . My eyes were to heavy to open , and I lost my conscience...**_

_**am I dead?**_

* * *

after the dream I found myself on my knees again , I did it like every time , but I forgot to close the door. I heard Dorota saying something from downstairs but I didn't bother , when I started throwing up everything felt different , besides the blood , my vision was more blurry than ever , I didn't feel my body anymore , but my head was about to self-destruct ,at least it felt that way , I needed to lay down – but I bumped into someone... Chuck

he had flowers , bagels and breakfast at Tiffany's , smells like an apologize , he stared at me blankly and dropped the flowers .

'what do you think you are doing here?' I said

'what do you think you were just doing?' he said shocked

'its non of your business' I snapped

'yes it is Blair I'm trying to help you' he said ' please don't do this to youself i love you , let me help you , i'm sorry

give me a chance to make it right'

'how are you Chuck Bass gonna do that? , breaking my heart in so many pieces that I wont believe in love anymore? , I don't belong to you you don't belong to me , I just belong to myself , I don't need you' I said

'you are killing yourself!' Chuck said holding me close

'I'm already dead! , Chuck , can't you see that? I died along time ago , thanks to you, when you were with some hooker in bangkok womanizing around without ever caring about me i was dying , its your fault , you kill everyone , its who you are , you can't help it I'm a lifeless superficial body thanks to you. ' i said pulling him away , I was crying , i was so angry that i didn't realize what i was saying. i know those words killed him.

'you are selfish and it's killing you , you're living this life telling yourself that you have to be better than everyone , that you are better than everyone ,you feel you have to be perfect! , you know how perfect you are when you try to be perfect? What you can't see is that the more you try to be perfect the most far you get from that. How can you do this to yourself?' he said ' I fell in love with the un perfect you , but I don't know who you are , here' he said throwing a little blue box 'i was going to ask you to marry me today , but I don't want it anymore'

' I cannot believe that for a moment I though it would be different , you can't help it its who you are. you ruin everything ' I said and he looked hurt , i was mad and my words may have hurt him more than what i meant them to. he grabbed his phone and started typing ' what are you doing?' I said

'oh you will see' he said

'what did you do ?' i said

my phone buzzed

**Gossip Girl :**

**_shame , shame , upper east siders._**

**_ looks like our favorite queen B is as far from perfection as none of us could imagine , can you believe she was find on her knees , with her finger down her throat? _**

**_ how classy right B?_**

**_rather kill yourself slowly for being skinny than dying fat._**

' you bastard , you ruin everything , I believed in you , in us , but I cant do it anymore , get out ' I said and turned my back on him

' you should have said that to yourself, miss perfection , i may ruin everything but **_i don't want you _**anymore' he said and left

**_'I don't want you anymore' _**

his words kept echoing inside my head

**_'I don't want you anymore'_**

**_'I don't want you anymore'_**

I had officially screwed my life , i Had lost everything Chuck was going to propose and apologize , everything was working and everything I said was a lie that screwed my life , I hated myself I just couldn't be so idiot . everyone knew.. i was so ashamed

I didn't know who I was , what I wanted , what life was.

Without Chuck I was lost , cause of something I did myself.

**_'I don't want you anymore'_**

I felt horrible physically and mentally.

i was lifeless loveless lonely and lost

I was going downstairs to tell Dorota to help me , or even my mother or Cyrus , I couldn't do it myself anymore.

But my vision blurred , I felt dizzy ,I couldn't breathe , I lost control of my body , my body felt soft ..like soaring . I heard people around but the noise became even more far every second . My eyes were too heavy to open , and I lost my conscience...

'am i dead?' i said to myself in my mind.

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**A/N: woooow , that was short but next one will be longer .**

**I hope you like it.**

**The chuck and Blair fight was horrible * cries ***

**I'll update soon I love writing this.**

**Please review!!!**

**and check out my other story**

**thanks for reading!**


	9. awake

Author: **youknowyouloveme91**

Summary:Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.' Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV

Disclaimer:I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk ) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story

Rating: PG-13

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I woke up in a room that i had never seen before.

"uh..where I am?' I said slowly opening my eyes , i saw my dad.

'Blair bear! you are awake , we missed you' my dad said

'what? when was I gone?' i said

'you have been gone for a few weeks , you got dehidrated and your body was weak , you fell from the stairs' he said and i couldn't belive it.

'what?'

'why didn't you tell us Blair bear? Charles was here everyday , he never left , he even argued with your mother' my dad said and i was still realy mad at Chuck.

'really? can i see him?' i said i knew i needed him.

'Chuck' i said when he walked into the room.

'I'm so sorry' he said and i kised him and touched his lips.

'it's my faut , i should have told you' i said

'but i told gossip girl'

'i know , i just think we can let it go ,we both screwed , i swear i didn't mean everything i said' i said and kissed him softly ' i love you'

'i know , i love you too' he said.

**the end. no no no just kidding **

**A/N :okay that was really really short but it'sa short update to let you know I haven't forgottwn this story , It's kinda late and tomorrow I might write a much long one that will set 5 seconds after this one.**

**Check out my other fict.**

**Theres no many chapters left in this story just 1 , 2 or 3.**

**please review.**

**thanks alot !**

**xoxo**


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